CJ de Mooi

Right (or wrong?) to die

Mon, 13 May 2013 07:16:39 -0400

Tony Nicklinson, Paul Lamb, Noel Martin and many others are fighting for the right to assisted suicide.
Under current UK law, anybody helping someone to die can be charged with manslaughter. Is this to be considered correct?

I’m not one for sitting on this fence so allow me to answer my own question. Of course it isn’t.

Firstly, I think the basic emotive terminology should be addressed. ‘Committing suicide’ has distinct overtones of criminality. Is suicide a crime in this country? If not, why is the antiquated term ‘commit’ still associated with it?

Secondly, a considerable majority of the public support, with sufficient safeguards, an individual’s right to die. In a supposedly democratic system, why are paid public servants permitted to disregard that?

Take this hypothetical situation. A person you love has deteriorated in health over many years and spends each day in considerable pain. He or she willingly communicates a secure desire to die to end intolerable physical or mental anguish.

Now imagine he or she underwent all that but was incapable of offering any guarantees. You were fully aware of the incessant pain before you but couldn’t present a document detailing a request to end the life.

Finally, what if something happened in an instant? The person you are closest to is terribly injured in an accident. He or she is in terrible agony and is screaming and crying for you to help. There is no long term hope of reprise and no assistance is on the way.

If any of the above happened to you, would you be wiling to reach out your hands and kill that person? Whether by an injection, smothering, breaking the neck or even strangulation? Could you bear to feel the pulse of your love fading through, and by, your own fingers?

You could spend the rest of your life in prison branded an evil and heartless murderer, demonised by your friends, family and the public. Could you do it?

For me, unequivocally and unhesitatingly, yes.

If I knew that was what was wanted, I wouldn’t hesitate for a moment. For some people, the loss of a partner means the end of a meaningful life anyway but this is not the case for all. If someone I cared about was in horrible pain, I would do whatever was necessary without consideration of the consequences. The current law doesn’t take human compassion into account.

In recent cases though, judges have ruled in favour of the accused parties with prosecutors offering no contest. However, the rise of common sense still doesn’t negate the existence of the laws.

Arguments against the right to die always tend to use the more explosive term of ‘assisted suicide’. I don’t know if this is a reflection on the strength of feeling or an attempt at propaganda but it does seem strange. Concerns on specific guarantees, suspicions about relatives and religious ideals are all brought to the fore.

Guarantees can usually be provided. Unless a person is brain dead (in which case in the UK, life is ended anyway) some communication is usually possible. Oh dear, but the person didn’t actually sign the paper? Well, that soldier who had his hands blown off in Iraq can’t claim benefits for the same reason.

Suggesting that relatives might be in it for personal or financial gain, or just to relieve themselves of a burden (whether the person in question believes him or herself to be one) can be of course be genuine. Again, the safeguards are important here but surely some degree of trust must be applied.

Now we deal with religious concerns. Don’t be so bloody silly. Now we’ve dealt with religious concerns.

External ‘moralistic’ debates are all very well and good but to me if boils down to one aspect. If you’re not directly and personally involved in the situation, it’s not your business. If I was in Paul Lamb’s position now, I’d conduct myself with far less politeness than he has. It’s my life, not yours, so butt out! How dare you presume to tell me, my loved ones and my doctors (again, the majority support the practice and a change in the law) how my suffering should end.

I would kill, murder if you wish, anyone I loved who wanted me to. Taking it a stage further, could I do it to a total stranger in the same position? This really only applies to the third situation above where pain is caused by an instant but my answer stays the same. Yes I would.

I know a lot of people view me as a wishy washy liberal and a liberal I certainly am. There is nothing mind you that’s wishy washy about my convictions and if there’s something I can do to stop terrible human suffering, I will, even at the possible cost to myself.

A final hypothetical for you then. Your loved one is in extreme agony having been partly crushed by a falling building. He or she is screaming uncontrollably and the only way you can stop the pain is to press a trigger which will bring the rest of the rubble crashing down fatally onto both of you. Whether you can see or touch each other is irrelevant but could you actually do it? End your own life to kill another and end the pain? There may be no further consequences to face but could you take this step nevertheless? I think you know my answer.

Just because we are alive does not mean we are living. Human dignity and quality of existence are essential. We don’t choose when we are born but we should be allowed choose when we die.

As people we care for each other. Remember, it’s called human kind.

No shame

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 06:15:20 -0400

I’ve volunteered within the HIV sector for over half my life. I started when I was sleeping rough in Amsterdam as even though I had nowhere to live, other people were in far worse situations.

We’re all human. We all have natural desires and are therefore susceptible to the consequences.

HIV and AIDS are just diseases like any other. There should be no stigma, embarrassment or shame attached to either. If this was cancer, such a discussion would be unnecessary. It saddens me deeply that we seem incapable of getting past this.

AIDS is not a ‘gay plague’. AIDS is no longer a death sentence. It is an illness that weakens the body’s immune system to such a degree that other conditions can become fatal. That is all.

I’ve had friends and strangers alike die in my arms because they either had no-one else or, more tragically, those they had refused to be there.

How can you bear to let someone you know or care about just wither and die all alone and terrified? I just can’t understand that level of heartlessness.

I’m currently working on securing a pair of Harvey Fierstein plays about AIDS to perform in the west end. These are stories that desperately need to be told as even living in the rarified liberal and inclusive world of theatre, there’s still exists a lack of comprehension. Knowledge is power so the more such topics are brought into the public domain, the more open discussion we can have to dispel fear and ignorance.

I donate a percentage of all my earnings to HIV charities and am patron of two such organisations. My current run of Geek is supporting MAD Trust and I’m hoping to tie in the Fierstein plays with them and World AIDS Day. If you want to shun or attack me because you’re disgusted or think it’s all self inflicted and deserved, do so. It will never stop me.

However these efforts are insignificant and so many people do so much more. They work every day to care for and help people infected and affected by HIV.

The friends and relatives of those living with the disease (thanks to advances in retroviral drugs, they’re no longer dying with the disease) can be placed in terrible positions too. They can often be confused, unsure how to react and at a complete loss of what responses are appropriate.

I have known a lot of people, gay, straight, male and female who have died as a direct result of their HIV status. Should their deaths count for nothing simply because their family or friends are a little embarrassed, usually about themselves or others’ reactions to them? I think most people know I couldn’t care less what anyone thinks about me! I will spend the rest of my life working closely with HIV patients and consider it an honour if any accept me as the last person they see before they pass away.

I’ve shed many tears and will shed many more over the loss of life but I truly believe this disease can be conquered in my lifetime. Even if a vaccine is found, a cure will be many years away so all those who spend their lives saving and comforting others need to be supported and applauded.

I’m happy to be completely forgotten by everyone except the very few who love me. This is the area I’ve chosen to immerse myself in and if just one or two of the people I meet remember me fondly, that’s everything I could ever want.

I can’t imagine many things worse than dying alone, ignored and scared. I’ll be damned before I let that happen to anyone just because they have AIDS.

How To Win TV Quiz Shows

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 05:33:52 -0400

My book is now available for Kindle!

Please see

http://www.demooi.co.uk/book.html

for all details including the direct link, an article on why I wrote the book and, most importantly, which charity I’m supporting.

If you don’t have a Kindle, don’t worry as there’s a free app which allows you to read Kindle books on smartphones, PCs, Macs and tablets.

Thank you, CJ x

Hate

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 06:25:01 -0400

6 years ago 20 year old Sophie Lancaster was brutally murdered because she was a goth.

Please read that again.

For no other reason than she was a goth. She was walking with her boyfriend when they were both attacked with provocation by a group who didn’t like the way they were dressed.

I’ve worn a wristband in TV to support the work of her mother Sylvia. She’s tirelessly campaigned to persuade Manchester police to classify all such assaults as hate crimes. Her devoted work has finally borne fruit.

However, a lot of people are critical of this, wondering where it will stop. Black, Muslim and gay people are currently covered by hate crime laws but is this a ridiculous step too far?

If you’re reading this, you’ll know I’m not remotely right wing so I take issue with Colin Freeman of The Telegraph. He writes “Goths and punks can always change the way they look. You can’t do that with the colour of your skin.”

Sometimes it’s just too easy to dissect someone’s prejudices but the lack of a challenge won’t stop me trying.

Well, you can actually change the colour of your skin. Yes goths can indeed change the way they look. A Muslim can go to church or worship The Flying Spaghetti Monster. People can have gender realignment. I’m gay and I can choose to have sex with women. So problem solved yes?

In theory, the extension of hate crime is a good thing but I accept there are limitations. How does one define the unfortunate, but not unexpected, violence at Wembley yesterday? General abuse or ridicule for the way someone speaks, dresses, how fat they are or what they do for a job… all could be included in ever narrowing sub divisions.

There are 2 options as far as I can see. Firstly, adopt a regulated Communist style regime of grey boiler suits where everyone is completely equal and nothing changes from one moment to the next. Historically, such ideas always work out so well don’t they?

Secondly, stop being so bloody judgemental and accept people for who they are. I couldn’t care less what you do, who you love, how you dress, where you live, how you look, how your body works or anything else frankly. If you live your life without causing detriment, it’s none of my damn business so do whatever you want!

Sophie Lancaster died horribly when she was barely out of her teens. Her incredible mother was determined her brief life should stand for something and I support that effort without reservation.

I also back anything that introduces measures to provide justice against any sort of hate crime. Despise who you want in your own head, that’s your right. It is definitely not your right to act upon it, even if that’s in your own home with people who either disagree with you, or even worse, to young to form their own opinions.

The UK is a remarkably inclusive society but sexism, racism, homophobia, religious intolerance and just plain bigotry still exist and always will do.

Hatred is a terribly destructive force for both parties. I won’t live my life that way and don’t want to be involved with anyone who does.

I applaud Manchester police and Sylvia Lancaster for their work. I’ve been violently attacked by strangers because of my sexuality, colleagues because of my speech and my own parents just because they wanted to.

I will never understand violence as a way to begin anything. It is only right that any hate crime is reported and acted upon. No doubt there are still individuals within the police service who wouldn’t take such reports seriously and may even support such vicious acts. Fortunately these people are becoming fewer in number and more marginalised.

I can only hope this is reflected in the population as a whole.

Snooker

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 15:42:53 -0400

One of my earliest memories is me aged 3 watching Eddie Charlton play snooker on television.

Amazingly enough, this didn’t put me off the game and although I don’t (can’t) play, I absolutely adore watching it.

The game has a fascinating history and if you want to learn about it, I can’t do any better than recommend you read Black Farce and Cue Ball Wizards by the wonderful Clive Everton.

I’m going to start controversially will two people I never knew. Now, many people who’ve never met me, and indeed a few who have, utterly hate me. Fair enough, I couldn’t care less. There was a player and a commentator I couldn’t begin to like personally from what I saw in the media. I don’t dispute the personal reality may have been different, at least about the first, so this is just my own position.

The commentator Ted Lowe always seemed very strange to me. I don’t know what his prowess as a player was but he gave a classic example of how snooker was always an easy game when it wasn’t actually you at the table. I also accept it was the era in which he worked, but it always seemed very impersonal for someone who clearly was a snooker insider to insist on calling all the players by surname only. I found this offputting.

I remember one instance on Jim’ll Fix It when it was a young chap’s wish to commentate on a snooker match. He was given the famous shot by Silvino Francisco (I think - please correct me if I’m wrong) where the ball bounced out of the pocket, rolled along the top of the cushion and fell in another. The man gave it a good description and Ted was very dismissive, even condescending saying it wasn’t very good as everyone could see what had happened.

I thought that disingenuous and rather unprofessional. I really couldn’t get on with him at all and would often rather a watch a match with the sound off rather than listen to him. Nevertheless, I maintain I didn’t know Mr Lowe and he could have been the sweetest man in private.

The other person whose life is fairly well documented was Alex Higgins. Let me say straight out he was a genius and did more in his era than anyone else to maintain and expand the popularity of snooker.

His parallel is Bobby Fischer in chess. Both fought for better conditions, both took on the establishment and won, both demanded and got higher prize money and both became world champion in 1972!

Both however quite sadly were self destructive, abusive and mentally unstable. Both died terribly prematurely robbing the world of the outstanding players of their generations.

However, quite similar to Ronnie O’Sullivan now, Alex was disrespectful of players and officials and rather too fast to open his mouth. I’ve met Ronnie on several occasions and he is, in my opinion, by far the greatest natural talent the game has ever seen. It also sound bizarre but it’s especially relevant to Higgins too, his talent was rather wasted. Ronnie certainly should have won more than 4 world titles and Higgins far more than 2.

It shouldn’t matter what problems you have off the table. In a professional arena with paying customers, acting politely and properly is the only acceptable norm.

We all know the stories of Higgins’ relationship with other players, particularly Dennis Taylor. The 1985 world champion is one of the nicest and unerringly polite people I’ve ever met and the manner in which he conducted himself in public with all the furore around Higgins and his threats was exemplary. It’s testament to the man he was able to do so but such a shame he had to.

Alex’s behaviour on this and many other occasions was despicable and it was his aura or faded respect of others that allowed him to continue. He was handled with kid gloves wherever he went and this naturally led to an isolated and artificial environment where he thought he could get away with anything. I find it tragic that some people in such a situation find it increasingly difficult to differentiate between the acceptable and the abhorrent.

Still, when Alex Higgins died in 2010, I mourned too. It was tragic to see what had become of him. However, I, along with millions of fans, am so grateful that the Snooker Legends tour was set up to enable us to see a true great just once more.

The green baize has always been the dominion of men. I’ve discussed at length in my upcoming book the subject of women players. Snooker along with darts and chess is a relatively sedentary game so there is no physical reason why they can’t compete on the same level as men. The fact remains that they can’t. I believe this is down to spatial awareness and pattern recognition which men are naturally better at. Women tend to excel in creativity and intelligence.

Mind you, multiple women’s world champion Alison Fisher went off to the States and became a very successful pool player so I’m not sure if this supports or explodes my theory of spatial awareness!

There is one aspect of the game where women now perform at a fully equal level and that’s refereeing. The amazing work of Michaela Tabb, who has taken charge of 2 world championship finals, has paved the way and now Zhu Ying is advancing rapidly. I hope this is only the start and many more will follow.

There are countless players I admire, am in awe of, fancy and am friendly with. There were great pioneers such as Joe Davis of course but in modern era, Ray Reardon (6 world titles in the 1970s) Steve Davis (6 world titles in the 1980s) and Stephen Hendry (7 world titles in the 19902) must stand out. Hendry for me is the greatest player of all time and a domineering force in the history of the game like Tiger Woods in golf or Sergey Bubka in the pole vault. I’ve met Stephen a few times and can only mumble a few words to him as I’m always utterly starstruck. I have a photo if us together and it’s a prized possession.

Current players like Stuart Bingham I think are fantastic. He’s a classic example of a decent player who just travelled all over the world plying his trade and then suddenly hit form. Snooker is a mental game (we’ve seen every player knock in impossible shots casually once a frame is dead) and the confidence Stuart got from his first ranking win is testament to that.

Obviously I’m fairly close to Shaun Murphy, as evidenced by us appearing on Pointless Celebrities together winning money for the Paul Hunter Foundation. I have to admit I wasn’t a fan of his when he burst onto the scene. This changed once I got to know him and now count myself as very fortunate to have such a lovely man amongst my friends.

Graeme Dott is lovely too and I think the most underrated player ever. A strange thing to say about someone who reached the world final 3 times, winning once but he’s rather the forgotten man.

Jamie Jones is a great up and coming player who I think is destined to become the Welsh number one. I live in Wales so do admit to a bit of home bias here though!

I’m intrigued to see if Judd Trump can live up to his potential and whether he or Mark Selby will lift the world crown both surely deserve.

Of all the benefits my professional life has given me, the time I’ve spent with snooker is probably the one I’ve enjoyed the most. I don’t understand football, rugby or basketball but my time close to the green baize has shown me about sporting idol worship.

I’m grateful to know so many payers, officials and commentators (especially those I destroyed a few years ago in the special Snooker Eggheads I recorded!) and I look forward to watching it for many years to come.

I hate to finish like this, but I am indeed snooker loopy.

Lousy Twitter jokes I made up today

Sun, 31 Mar 2013 11:07:06 -0400

If Jesus died for our sins (he knew he’d be resurrected - shows a lack of conviction frankly) surely it’s a waste if we don’t commit them?

“Is your German company diverse?” “Ja. De longer you verk here, diverse it gets.”

If god left gifts for us everywhere, are they his omnipresents?

You’re welcome. Probably more to follow, depending on how bored/inspired I am.

I apologise for the blatant commercial

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 07:20:00 -0400

About 5 years ago I had an idea for the book How To Win TV Quiz Shows. I even secured a publishing deal but various people didn’t want me to write it so I had to put it on hold.

Once I became a free agent professionally, my thoughts again turned to this project but I kept putting it off simply due to the effort involved. I’d never really written anything of this type before and the sheer scale was intimidating. I had a provisional introduction and first chapter but despite having quite a bit of free time, couldn’t bring myself to put finger to keyboard.

Another publisher expressed an interest but after requesting 3 redrafts of the opening, it became clear she was only interested in a ‘celebrity autobiography’ and I politely declined. I’ll never write my life story as it’s simply too painful. I’m not going to lie and produce a book as a cathartic exercise as so many people have claimed.

No dear, you’re not exorcising demons, you’re doing it for the money so just be honest! If it’s just to come to terms with yourself then fine, we look forward to you donating 100% of your proceeds to an appropriate charity. You’re not fooling anyone so stop being silly.

Since September I’ve been working continuously, getting busier and busier. Of course, this was the time I chose to attack the book with vigour. Some people work better under pressure. Apparently, I ONLY work under pressure.

I decided that if the book was ever going to get written (and I’m being direct here - my main objective was to raise my profile and bring in some cash) I’d better knuckle down. Actually, I found writing the thing pretty easy. What was difficult was the motivation. I set myself a deadline of July 1st 2013 but once I sat down in front of the computer, it wasn’t too tricky for the words to start tumbling out.

Of course the laborious processes of editing and proofreading still take time but it was very gratifying to find myself considerably ahead of schedule.

How To Win TV Quiz Shows will be a step by step primer. How do you find the shows that want contestants in the first place? How do you apply? What do you write on the application form to stand out? How do you approach the audition? What should you do on the day in the studio? What might the future hold?

The question I get asked more than any other is ‘Why should I bother trying for a quiz show when so many others are doing so?’ The numbers game may be against you but there are many ways to tip the odds in your favour.

I’ve now finished the main body of the book and apart from a couple more paragraphs to write and some editing of the first 2 chapters, I think I’m there. Then it’s time for the proofreading but that shouldn’t take too long.

I’ll come in at about 32 A4 pages of small non spaced text and 29000 words. I’m initially only offering it as an e-book on Amazon so it’ll translate to about 180 Kindle pages.

I think the book will be £2.99 (how much of a bargain is that?) and I’m having a launch party at The Phoenix Artist Club in central London. It’ll be between 12pm and 2pm on Friday 24th May and the book will be immediately available. If you’d like to come down, please do so as I’d love to see as many interested people there as possible.

This has been a very challenging but enjoyable experience for me. There’s nothing like How To Win TV Quiz Shows on the market and I guess it gives it some tiny sliver of credibility coming from me.

Self publication is definitely the way to go I feel. It’s given me far more control than I’d otherwise have had and allowed me to actually write the book I wanted rather than something to earn money for a publishing house.

Another incentive (if all the great advice I’m imparting isn’t enough) is that 5% of all sales income goes to The Crescent in St Albans.

http://www.thecrescent.org.uk

I’m honoured to be a patron of this fantastic HIV charity and it’s been under threat of imminent closure since the council removed every single penny of its funding.

After the launch party, I’m heading up to host a charity fundraising quiz for the charity. I’ve written previous blogs about this cause and feel very strongly about it. I’ll do whatever I can to help ensure its crucial survival.

I hope to see you on 24th May!

A very taboo subject apparently

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 07:31:55 -0400

In the wake of Mother’s Day, I’d briefly like to broach a very difficult and taboo subject.

Not all mothers care about their children. Some are very much the opposite.

I know. The woman who gave birth to me was a violent, homophobic, racist person who made it very clear from an early age that she hated me. There were several instances of her throwing scalding coffee over me, hitting me with bottles and even putting cigarettes out on me. Her husband was a pathetic wimp who was utterly cowed. The extent of this was clearly demonstrated one evening when I was mugged one evening by 2 men and he just stood by without speaking or intervening.

As I’ve previously documented, all the above was reported to my school headmaster (who actually stood and watched me being attacked at school by 3 boys with cricket bats but said there was nothing he could do if I wasn’t bleeding) the police, other parents and a psychiatrist. Not a single one believed me.

I’ve tried repeatedly to get any section of the public media to take an interest in, or even admit, that ‘middle class child abuse’ exists but there seems to be a stubborn and embarrassed mass refusal to do so.

Just after my 17th birthday I walked out into a rainstorm and began 3 years of sleeping on the streets as, and its potential consequences, were preferable to remaining. I have had no contact with these people since.

If I was willing to risk my life by escaping like that, I’m repeatedly surprised how often people who’ve survived by bullying others think they can do the same to me. Whether it’s a charity, a production company or individuals, it simply won’t work. I’m me and I’m happy with my life. If you don’t like me, please be assured I couldn’t even begin to care.

Of course most parents love their children but a significant percentage don’t. On top of that, perhaps a greater number shouldn’t even consider having kids in the first place. If you don’t have the financial means, are mentally or physically incapable, an excessive user of drugs, alcohol or cigarettes, is it really the right thing to do to bring a child in such an environment? It seems this is a forbidden question but why? Doesn’t the child have rights? A number of tragic recent cases including Baby Peter highlighted times where those with the responsibility should have intervened but didn’t. This reluctance stems from an intrinsic belief that no parents would ever harm their own child.

They would. Mine did. And no-one helped.

Following the congratulations and wonderful love on display yesterday, I am so happy and glad for those able to celebrate such a close and living maternal relationship. However, there’s one stark and direct fact that can’t be escaped. Motherhood does not always equate to love… sometimes, and more often than anyone really wants to admit, it can equate to hatred, physical or verbal abuse, violence and even death.

Some people simply do not deserve to be mothers.

Geek! options

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 13:41:31 -0500

Geek! A New Musical runs at the Tristan Bates Theatre from April 22nd to May 18th.

Tickets are already selling very well, even before marketing has begun, and we expect a footfall of 85-90%.

We will be taking the production on a national tour from mid August and already have two venues signed up for September.

I am looking for a financial backer for the production and will guarantee a 5-10% return on the investment.

If you’re interested in becoming involved in Geek! A New Musical, please email cj@geekmusical.co.uk as soon as possible to discuss terms and advertising opportunities.

Thank you, CJ

The Renata Road

Sat, 16 Feb 2013 12:25:20 -0500

Soon after the biggest moment in my professional career when Geek! A New Musical opens, an even more important time will beckon.

Two and a half years after making the short film, the full length feature version of The Renata Road starts shooting.

The 5 days I spent making the 9 minute short in January 2011 was the most enjoyable time of my whole life, even ahead of any time on stage or even my wedding day and honeymoon. That may seem utterly ludicrous but I was blessed to work with incredible, talented and such lovely people. The director Ed Greenberg is without doubt the most determined and focused person I have ever met. He knows what his limits are and then successfully exceeds them, producing incredible pieces with his company Beyond The Bar.

I can perform and produce but I could never direct, choreograph, design or do anything creative. I simply don’t have the skill set and am far too much of an egotist and applause junkie (at least I’m honest!)
Ed has the patience and ability to make a piece of visual art in a way I can only admire. We’ve since made a second short film together called Epilogue. I went into this with some experience and with the naïve thought I’d be able to contribute something but I wisely kept my mouth shut and left it to his expertise.

I must also mention Ryan Flynn who worked on both pieces. An amazing and tireless man who, along with Ed, I’m honoured to call a lifelong friend.

Passion and commitment will only offer sustenance so far though until the inevitable problem of finance raises its thorny head. Imagine making a feature film, due for cinema release, without any sort of budget. Incredibly, this is what Ed, as Director, and I, as Executive Producer as well as lead actor, have undertaken to do. That’s how much we believe in the project and how determined we are to share this story.

The hidden costs such as lost earnings, equipment hire, insurance, venues and crew all add up but if enough people are persuaded as to the value of the project, many of these overheads can be waived. This generally isn’t the case with cast, catering and distribution so naturally some budget assessment is unavoidable.

A budget limit of £50,000 has been set which is spectacularly little for a movie scheduled for cinema release by the end of the year. We’ve set up a number of fund and awareness raising between now and June when we start shooting.

A couple of large quiz (well, what did you expect?) and entertainment evenings in Manchester and Lytham, a short film festival, concerts and auctions are all in the diary. Imagination and originality are the hallmarks of Beyond The Bar so we’ve tried to incorporate them into our campaign rather than just asking for cold hard cash.

Perhaps the most significant innovation is a sliding scale of rewards in return for donations. Gifts starting at £10 will earn an interesting and often unique piece of memorabilia with £1000 resulting in a raft of returns including a walk on role and credit in the movie itself.

The Renata Road is being fully crewed and produced in the north west of England making it Lancashire’s very first entirely domestic feature film. We’re already immensely grateful to the individuals and businesses that have helped and enabled us to start this fantastically exciting journey.

For further information, please see
http://www.renataroad.com
http://www.beyondthebar.co.uk
@BeyondthebarUK
and perhaps you’ll be able to visit one of our events, help us with the budget or even join us on set!

The Renata Road is going to be the most incredible time and opportunity for me. The short version attracted praise from festivals and the Royal Television Society with The Times calling it ‘an emotional tour de force’. It even had a Leicester Square premiere so I can barely wait to see how the movie will surpass those standards!

It's marriage. Just marriage.

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 08:01:52 -0500

A couple of interesting points were raised this morning on the equal marriage debate.

Some people expressed surprise that several Labour MPs were intending to vote against the bill (including members of the shadow cabinet) But why? Were they responding to the wishes of their constituents and if so, should that (or perhaps the implied self interest of preserving their own seats) take precedence over wider public opinion? At least two thirds of the British population support marriage equality so why are our elected officials (employees) taking so long to institute a change?

Of course I am wholeheartedly behind this legislation but am happy to discuss with anyone who comes up with sensible arguments, politely presented. It just seems that those are very few and far between.

The Bill will pass very easily tonight but has to go through the antiquated House of Lords where it may face difficulties.

I’m not entirely sure of the law but I believe the Parliament Act can’t be implemented (as it was with the Age of Consent) as the proposal wasn’t in the government’s manifesto at the last election.

However, I imagine the upper house will let it pass, although may send it back for a third reading if this is allowed.

I am so glad this issue (even though it really shouldn’t be one) has reached this stage, no doubt helped by Barack Obama’s support of same sex equality. I’m a little concerned that a liberal and progressive country had to wait so long for it… and for a Conservative Prime Minister to instigate it!

Nevertheless, 5th February 2013 should be a momentous day in the struggle for equal rights and I’m glad to be able to witness it.

PS. You’ll notice I’ve not mentioned the word ‘gay’ in the above post. Firstly, not everyone who will take advantage of this new law will be gay and secondly, it’s not gay marriage, it’s just marriage. Otherwise, this is a gay blog, written by my gay fingers on my extremely gay laptop… and I do mean my computer.

The Renata Road casting call

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 06:27:45 -0500

Here is the full casting call for The Renata Road feature film. A psychological enigma.

THE RENATA ROAD

Production Company - Beyond the Bar
Director - Ed Greenberg
Executive Producer - CJ de Mooi

Shooting in Lytham St Annes, Lancashire: June 2013.
Auditions in Blackpool, Lancashire: 25th February to 1st March.

Produced, cast and crewed entirely from talent based in, from or with strong connections to the North West, The Renata Road is the daring and exciting new film from the award winning production company, Beyond The Bar.

Looking for peace, solitude and escape from the out-side world a mysterious stranger checks into a remote hotel. Reluctantly drawn into the lives and activities of the hotel’s guests it starts to become terrifyingly clear that all is not as calm and serene as the management would have him believe.
An encounter with the manager’s daughter and hotel maid sets in motion a chain of events that will take the stranger to the very edge of sanity and threatens to destroy the lives of everyone present.

A Psychological Enigma. A Thriller unlike anything you have experienced before. Independent Cinema at its very best.

There are no minor characters in this picture.

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You must be from, based in or have a strong connection to the North West to be eligible for casting.

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Please note that at this time we are only able to offer to cover expenses.
All of the cast members listed in this call will receive copies of the final film and full profile listings in all press packs and publicity material.

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Cast required -
Casting for 8 characters, male & female of varying age ranges.

Breakdown -

Anna Brill

-Playing age of 16
-Beautiful and innocent in nature and appearance.

Anna is the Manager’s Daughter and the hotel maid.

Her willingness to put the needs of others before her own is both her strength and most potentially fatal weakness.
Her relationship with the Stranger and the hotel guests is at the very heart of the story.

*****

Nathan Brill
-Playing age 16/17
-Strong features and a nature that easily moves between playful and manipulative.

Nathan is the hotel owner’s son.

While he’s busy diverting attention elsewhere Nathan is also the mass manipulator. Controlling his sister and disobeying his father all to achieve his own sadistic goals.
His ability to appear innocent and to cast the shadow of doubt onto others makes him a very dangerous individual.

*****

Jacob Brill
-Playing Age in the 50’s
-A figure of authority, fatherly and stern.

Although the trials of life have begun to make him appear worn, both physically and mentally.

Jacob is the hotel owner and manager.

His priority is the calm, undisrupted running of his hotel and he will do everything in his power to ensure peace and stability is maintained at all times.

He may be the biggest threat there is.

*****

Amelia Brill
-Playing age over 50
-Withered and frail. A waif of a woman and barely a shadow of her former self.

Amelia is the hotel owner’s wife and the general manager.

Through tragic events Amelia has been left wheelchair bound and mentally incapacitated.
Although silent (with the exception of the occasional agonised groan) Amelia sees all and is the only person who knows the truth about what is occurring in the hotel.
She holds the key to salvation and yet she is powerless to help.

*****

Percival Lamb

-Playing age 40
-A handsome man in whose hand butter wouldn’t melt. (Well not before he sold it back to you)

A likeable rogue with a dark side.

Percival is a salesman and gambler.
Sleep can be a hard thing to come by in this hotel but Percival can help. For a price. And that price can be different for everyone.
He is a root cause of all the mysterious activity that is happening.

*****

Agnes Hangdog

-Playing age 60
-A rotund lady with a chatty and positive demeanour.

Agnes is a guest in the hotel.

Agnes doesn’t realise how important she is.
Hidden beneath her upbeat exterior hides a scared lady. Beneath her makeup, the bruises caused by a beating from her controlling husband.
Her love and devotion could make her a saviour.

Nudity: Agnes is seen nude (breasts) whilst taking a bath.

*****

Ginny Masters

-Playing age 30
-A vision of beauty and elegance. Athletic and perfectly streamlined. Men will fall at the very sight of her.

Ginny is a guest at the hotel and the partner of William.
She is the only person to come close to breaking down the Stranger’s barriers. A figure of longing and temptation.
She has very ulterior motives.

*****

William Johnson

-Playing age 30s
-Handsome. Athletic. Handsome.

William is a hotel guest and the partner of Ginny.

William has two goals in his life: to look good and to make his partner happy.
He looks good.
But he thinks the key to her happiness lies in the bedroom.
He might actually be right.

*****

APPLICATIONS

Applications may be received via email and should be directed to:

casting@beyondthebar.co.uk
You must write Direct Casting Response as the subject line of your email.
Emails that do not have this subject line may be deleted as a possible spam or phishing threat.

You must include:

Cover letter/statement of interest
CV
Headshot
& any other supporting material/links to work that you feel is appropriate.

*****

Protecting Actors Shield

This production company has signed up to the Protecting Actors Casting Agreement, helping to ensure all actors involved receive a copy of the final footage in a timely fashion.
Protecting Actors : SHIELD:3219
http://www.protectingactors.org/production.php?uid=3219

STARNOW: listing 423900
http://www.starnow.co.uk/Casting-Calls/Actors-wanted/Feature-film/feature_film_casting_19.htm

CCP:
http://www.castingcallpro.com/uk/job_view.php?uid=166990

MANDY.com:
http://www.mandy.com/1/cast3.cfm?v=53101558

A drama not worth going through?

Tue, 29 Jan 2013 09:01:00 -0500

Are drama schools a complete waste of time?

My humble existence is pretty well documented from the age of 17. All I’d ever wanted to be was an actor but once my life fell apart, I had other priorities to concentrate on. Apart from a few Saturday morning courses and 4 months at college, I had no formal training in any aspect of performance. I just knew in my heart that’s what I wanted to do and nothing else would make me happy.

Drama schools are hugely successful institutions. Their admission numbers increase every year as more and more students try to achieve their dreams. Their fees also increase - supply and demand is a very simple business. Who cares if you’re a great actor, the best dancer or a sensational singer? This other person can afford to pay and you can’t… this is showBUSINESS.

It is an unfortunate but nevertheless inescapably cold hard fact that the vast majority of those students will never get a professional contract and drop out, giving up on their hopes by the time they’re 25. The reality is that people have to live and following a dream may be succour for the soul but rarely helps the overdraft. This isn’t the drama school’s concern however. So what is?

Comprehensive education was brought in as a sort of compromise (a good compromise leaves everyone mad) between the teaching unions, the government and, least of all, the parents (the children of course got no say) to compensate for the abolition of National Service and to bring down the juvenile unemployment figures.

This is somewhat analogous with the way drama schools function. As long as there’s a tidal wave of applicants, the schools will simply take advantage of it. This is not a criticism - any professional organisation would unhesitatingly do the same. However, are they actually preparing their clients (paying customers) for their chosen lives or, as is pretty much still the case with comprehensive schools, just enabling them to pass their exams and showcase the institution in the best possible light?

Although they naturally offer a basic grounding in the necessary fields, even some of the very top drama schools (I use this as a blanket term) do seem lacking in more practical concerns. Levels of professionalism, discipline and social skills can be of a much lower standard than would be expected (you’ll notice I’m trying to be diplomatic here) and this naturally impacts on an individual’s chances of gaining employment.

I’ve been in productions with cast members who’ve been rude to colleagues, directors and even customers. Utterly undisciplined, constantly late, unruly and just plain amateurish - not the way to advance.

Are lax standards inevitable then? Of course not but so much comes down to the student. If on waking up you can think of absolutely any other job that has a chance making you happy, do it. If the only thing you can think about is acting, that’s simply your destiny. Unfortunately this passion, drive and sheer bloody minded determination is absent in a lot of people - the work will not come to you (and please don’t rely on your agent) so you have to get up off your arse, literally, and find it yourself. If you don’t do it, guaranteed somebody else will!

Drama schools can be invaluable in providing knowledge, confidence and practice, along with embryonic experience how to interact with those you may be in direct competition with. Nevertheless, the structures within which these are taught can be rigid and inflexible. I have no problem criticising something if I think it’s inefficient or just plain wrong, especially if I’m paying. A very recent experience when casting for Geek! A New Musical was that school staff refused to let a student out, to take a lead role in an off west end musical (I’d just offered him the part) as it was of no direct benefit to them. The production was unpaid and as the school took a cut, why should they release him for no financial gain? I was shocked by this attitude and if I’d been the young man in question, would have raised hell with a company who were taking my money.

Training is essential but this does not have to occur with an educational estabishment. I’ve practised, taken basic lessons and learnt on the job. Last year I did 3 productions at a loss just for the experience and credits. I’ve now been able to build a reasonable CV and move forward. There are still some casters and directors who won’t look at you unless you’ve graduated from a good drama school but I think this is very short sighted.

There is immense talent in this country with the acting profession and the only way to nurture it is to explore every avenue. I never went to drama school or had any formal advancement but my passion has been enough so far. If a student has that, education will only go so far and the rest is up to himself or herself. Hopefully the teachers and courses will have provided insights and encouragement to make this possible,

Perhaps the best thing a drama school can offer is self belief.

'Geek! A New Musical' casting call

Fri, 18 Jan 2013 05:37:00 -0500

Geek! A New Musical is a new comedy musical which will run at the Tristan Bates Theatre in the heart of London’s Theatreland 22nd April to 18th May 2013.

We are now ready to start casting this exciting show and are anticipating a national tour following its London performances.

Written by Scott Morgan, produced by CJ de Mooi and starring Ewen Macintosh and CJ de Mooi, this promises to be an outrageous and hilarious addition to London theatre.

Auditions are on 20th, 21st February, callbacks 27th, 28th February with rehearsals starting on 18 March. We are having open auditions with each invitee having an allocated time slot. At least one role will go to a performer without any professional experience - we believe in nurturing new talent! The production is unpaid but we hope to be able to provide some money towards expenses and basic catering will be provided during the rehearsal period.

Please bring 16 bars of an up tempo song and a prepared 1 minute comedy monologue. You may be asked to perform a sight reading from the script but preparation time will be given.

Please forward all applications (direct profile links are preferred) with photo and CV to Emily at casting@geekmusical.co.uk

The roles to be cast (playing age 16-22 with a west coast American accent) are -

Jane

Female, caucasian, plain natural looks, skinny

Low A flat to high F sharp (mezzo belt)

Flissy-Joy

Female, caucasian, skinny but womanly, popular IT girl

Low A to high F sharp (mezzo belt)

Bernie

Male, caucasian, skinny, very camp

Low B flat to E flat (baritone)

Roxie

Female, African-American, strong, popular

Low B flat to E (mezzo belt)

Minimal clothing

Billy Bob

Male, caucasian, jock, toned body

Low B to F sharp (tenor/high baritone)

Partial nudity

Steve

Male, caucasian, jock, pretty boy, toned body, slightly camp

Low E flat to E (baritone)

Partial nudity

Danny

Male, caucasian, jock, toned body

Low E flat to E (baritone)

Partial nudity

Remus/Donna

Male/female, possibly Asian-American, chubby, geek/goth

C to E (baritone or mezzo)

Johnny

Male, caucasian, geek, attractive, tall, slim

Low A to F (high baritone)

Partial nudity

'Geek! A New Musical' Press Release

Tue, 15 Jan 2013 07:04:24 -0500

Ever felt like a teenage outcast? Sidelined by the popular kids? Just want to be loved, admired and crazy beautiful?
Well get over yourself ‘cos it ain’t gonna happen sweetie!
However, a new musical might just offer some solace in what you laughably call your life.
‘Geek! A New Musical’ is an hilarious new piece of writing from the quill of Scott Morgan.
It will premiere at the Tristan Bates Theatre in the heart of London’s West End on 22nd April and run until 18th May.
The cast includes Ewen Macintosh (The Office) and CJ de Mooi (Eggheads) and as a commitment to encourage new talent, will feature at least one performer who has never had a professional contract.
‘Geek! A New Musical’ is produced by CJ de Mooi.
It will be directed by Porl Matthews and Jamie Chapman Dixon with costumes designed by Andrew Cox (The Sweeney)
A Press Night and Reception will be held on 24th April and a Charity Night and Party for MAD Trust is on 1st May.
The entire crew are delighted and excited to be taking this journey and hope you’ll be able to join them.
The Geek shall inherit the earth!

Geek! A New Musical

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 12:27:00 -0500

‘Geek! A New Musical’ is a fantastically hilarious musical premiering at the Tristan Bates Theatre in London’s West End from April 22nd to May 18th 2013. The creative team includes -

Writer - Scott Morgan

Producer - CJ de Mooi

Director - Porl Matthews

Director - Jamie Chapman-Dixon

Musical Director - Benjamin Holder

Choreographer - Mark Parton

Costume Designer - Andrew Cox

Photographer - Darren Bell

Web Designer - Michael Green

We will be having open auditions on February 20th and 21st with callbacks soon after. I’ll be posting casting notices on Spotlight, Casting Call Pro and StarNow in the next few days so keep an eye out.

To ensure the nurturing of new talent, at least one role in the production will go to a performer who has never had a professional contract.

I am unbelievably excited by this incredible adventure (and the fact I’ll be playing an alcoholic, sex crazed female teacher in the show!) and even though it’s an incredible amount of work, that only increases the expectation.

May 1st will be a very special evening for Geek! A New Musical as we’ll be having a charity night for MAD Trust, a charity that is very close to my heart and alongside which I’ve worked over the past year or so. We are honoured to be able to raise funds for their essential work and look forward to having their staff and supporters join us for a great night.

I just want to say an immense thank you to everyone who has helped us so far and this journey could not have reached this point with such kind people. Every time you mention Geek! A New Musical, follow the Twitter account at @geekthemusical or click on the website at http://www.geekmusical.co.uk you increase the buzz of what is already a massively anticipating project.

On behalf of everyone behind the scenes, on April 22nd I promise you’ll see that it was so worth the effort!

CJ x

How I wish I'd been blind

Mon, 31 Dec 2012 14:01:13 -0500

People often ask me what my favourite film is and I’ve still never come up with a definitive answer. Frost/Nixon would be up there but it doesn’t compare with having seen the same cast perform it on stage which for me was much better and funnier.

However, my least favourite films aver is an easier list. I’m not a great movie buff but some cinematic sins have so emblazoned their horrors on my soul, I’m not likely to forget them without the aid of extensive and very costly electro shock therapy.

My worst 5 films in reverse order -

5. The Avengers - Partly because nobody could actually decide what it was called. Marvel’s The Avengers, Avengers Assemble or just The Avengers but mainly because so many disparate characters were involved in this inevitable Marvel climax (at least until the sequel) but only Iron Man and Thor made any impact. I do like a good superhero movie… this wasn’t.

4. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - Mainly for letting me down. So much was promised, anticipated and expected. We were looking forward to a thrilling ride which would surpass the copycat Tomb Raider and National Treasure franchises and restore Indy to the top of the puzzle solving tree. We got inter dimensional aliens. With crystal skulls. Anything else you’d like to know about the film?

3. Prince of Persia : The Sands of Time - Truly, truly awful. I was taken to the cinema to see this and just wanted to desert (see what I did there?) Not very good special effects and a classic example of trying to cash in on a clever idea. Unsuccessfully.

2. Batman and Robin - Joel Schumacher, what did you do? I know you’re not Tim Burton but really? George Clooney apparently regrets playing this role and I can’t say I’m slightly surprised. The classic ‘Dark Knight’ Batman was corrupted by the campy 1960s series of course but this film (Bob Kane hated the batsuit having nipples and died the next year) almost finished him off.

1. Event Horizon - A science fiction horror. Yes it was. A spaceship reappears after years and is supposed to have travelled to Hell in the interim. Er, carrying on… The set pieces actually gave me nightmares but because of how laughably cringeworthy there were, not how scary.

Some films such as the enticingly titled ‘The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and became Mixed Up Zombies’ aren’t claiming to deliver that much but others (such as The Avengers which is the 3rd most successful film of all time at the international box office) clearly have aspirations. I’m not a regular cinema goer and only something that really takes my fancy will persuade me not to wait 18 months for it to be free on Sky, so I guess I’m not the target demographic.

Nevertheless, when I watch a film and my eyes and ears assaulted by the sheer horribleness (there’s no other word) of some of celluloid’s offerings, I really wondered if I’d been utterly senseless. And then I wished I was.

In 21st century Britain. Seriously?

Tue, 25 Dec 2012 10:29:00 -0500

I endured years of terrible abuse and the only way out, as with tens of thousands of people every year, was to sleep rough.

I was homeless between 1987 and 1990 and spent time sleeping on the streets in Sheffield, London and Amsterdam. I was however incredibly lucky and a chance meeting led to a burgeoning career and my escape from the life I had been propelled into.

Since then, my homelessness has been a spur and somewhat of an inspiration for me. I can’t bear to see other people in the same situation and have done what I can to help those going through the same.

I consider it a matter of national shame that so many are forced into positions where they believe there’s no other option. Whether to escape violence, prejudice or all too often, just reality, sleeping on the street should never be a viable or even contemplated solution in an affluent western country in the 21st century. How is this possible?

Although Christmas doesn’t mean anything to me, I dread to think of anyone, irrespective of age, position, sexuality, colour or anything else, spending this or any day alone, scared, vulnerable or sad when he or she doesn’t want to.

I was a lonely, frightened teenager on the streets not knowing where my next meal was coming from, if I’d survive the coming winter or indeed the next night if I was attacked. How can any government turn its back on the thousands who feel the same every single night? Why do we allow it to happen?

I wanted to help today so applied to 26, yes 26, different charities offering my assistance. 7 turned me down insisting I had to offer a minimum of a 3 week commitment which I simply wasn’t able to do. The other 19 including Centrepoint, Crisis, St Mungo’s and even the Salvation Army didn’t even bother to reply. Maybe it’s just me they took a collective objection to but I find that utterly disgusting.

In the end I decided on my own initiative and yesterday bought enough sandwiches, drinks, sweets and toiletries for 32 people. This morning I packed it all into a bag along with emergency advice and numbers and walked round central London in the torrential rain just looking for any homeless people. Whenever I found any, I greeted them with a cheerful but soggy ‘Good Morning’ and offered any supplies or help I could. Most gratefully and politely accepted but as the hours passed, I became more and more depressed.

A few people refused my help as clearly they were trying to avoid any connection with sobriety and reality. One woman told me straight out, with a half empty vodka bottle in her hand, that she was just waiting to die. This is London in 2012, a city that’s just hosted the Olympic Games and had the eyes of the world on it. Please forgive my language but why the fuck is this still going on? Why the hell are there people who feel so utterly abandoned that a slow alcohol induced suicide is preferable to any glimmer of hope?

Despite my public profile and limited celebrity, I don’t have much money but after visiting the Strand and Covent Garden, my bag was already pretty much empty. This was before I’d even reached Charing Cross and Embankment where I knew I’d find much more need. Fortunately Pret a Manger branches were open so I expensively restocked and headed off. Within the hour the rain in my eyes didn’t matter any more as I was crying so much. A dozen people crowded into a corner by the train station, another group down the side street and my supplies, which I couldn’t afford to restock again were virtually gone by the time I reached the Thames. A few more handouts were all I could manage and I didn’t even make the smallest scratch in the tip of the iceberg.

I’m fully aware that even at my lowest ebb I had physical and intellectual gifts most don’t but I even I thought about giving up. 33 months sleeping in doorways and staircases nearly finished me off so what sort of devastating effect must it have on those for whom it’s the only way of life?

There are services provided and people who care but they’re not always accessible, as evidenced by the stunning lack of replies I had. Some people are too scared, too institutionalised or too marginalised to seek out the help they need. Even so, some are refused assistance if they have a criminal record, are sick, the wrong age or even the wrong sexuality or religion. Again forgive me but what the fuck?

Imagine a 17 year old gay man forced out onto the street by violent homophobia and abuse. Terrified, completely alone and incapable, he must sleep rough, beg and search through bins. Prostitution, vagrancy or crime are his only options so he does what he has to in order to stay alive even though he’s not sure he wants or deserves to.

That was my life. How can I possibly stand by and let anyone else go through the same?

I am as mad as hell and so terribly sad at the same time. Tonight, Christmas Day, a person somewhere in England will start sleeping on the streets for the first time.

Just spend a moment to consider that last sentence. For whatever reason he or she has been brought to that decision, it is a shameful scandal that homelessness is often an unavoidable choice.

I cannot just sit by and let this disgusting cycle continue. I know that with something of a profile I can say things that will rouse some interest (although never enough for a newspaper or broadcaster to get involved as it’s still a case of ‘if we don’t mention it, it doesn’t exist’) but how could I live with myself if I didn’t at least try? My efforts may be wasted but at least I’m doing what little I can but without local and national government support, nothing will improve. Maybe as someone who isn’t afraid or ashamed to be open about everything I went through and put up with in order to continue living, my words might eventually fall on the ears of someone who cares enough to listen. However, I’ve contacted over 25 radio stations, papers and television channels in relation to discussing homelessness and have, unsurprisingly, been deafened by the silence in response.

People are forced to sleep on the streets where many of them will live out their lives. We wake up each morning and walk out onto the streets where fellow human beings have died during the night. Died.

Please, I implore, contact your council, your MP, Parliament, anyone at all and ask them to tackle this horrible situation. Just retweet the link to this article, a homeless charity’s website, anything at all, please!

Most of all, just remember that any soul you see huddled in a doorway generally isn’t there by choice but is unable to find a way out. A kind word, a sympathetic ear or a just a smile can help. I was that friendless, frightened soul and know all too well what it’s like.

So many walked past and usually I hoped to be ignored - insults, spitting, kicking and much worse were unfortunately and inevitably par for the course. I do hope if you’ve read this far you wouldn’t have ignored me in that doorway so perhaps you’ll remember me the next time you see someone else.

Thank you, CJ x

For further details, please see my full blog at http://cjdemooi.tumblr.com or follow me on Twitter at @cjdemooi

I never came out. Everybody knows I’m gay and I wouldn’t have it any other way but I...

Fri, 23 Nov 2012 11:29:12 -0500

I never came out.

Everybody knows I’m gay and I wouldn’t have it any other way but I certainly didn’t have the traditional coming out experience. My dubious public profile obviously helps so my sexuality is openly documented and hopefully that acts as something of an inspiration to others. I’ve never hidden who I am but know for millions of people, it’s necessary to do so. I feel deep sadness for any person who feels such deception is the only option.

I grew up in a very homophobic and abusive household. The two adults I was immediately related to were aggressive, violent, racist and looking for any target to exploit. The problem with such relatively affluent middle class environments is that no-one is prepared to believe such hatred and oppression can exist and thrive behind closed doors. Just after my 17th birthday I chose to sleep rough, a lifestyle that lasted 3 years, as it was preferable to staying where I was. I walked out into a torrential rainstorm, spent that night sleeping on carrier bags under a railway bridge and never looked back.

I grew up in Rotherham and from a very early age realised the way I was treated and the language and behaviour I was witnessing at very close quarters was not what I believed to be right. The words, treated with such disdain, of hate against people of other races, sexual orientations and nationalities were incredibly hurtful to me. I just assumed I was in the wrong and these were natural and correct attitudes. With further experience of course I understand these two ignorant under achievers were projecting their self loathing and failures onto vulnerable minorities as so many have done since.

I knew I was gay from an early age but there was absolutely no-one I could talk to. I was unable to make friends and my ingrained experiences had left me unable to trust or get close to anyone else. I was constantly and violently bullied at school, most significantly on one occasion when I was 12. I was in the school playground when a trio of 15 year old boys with cricket bats began hitting me right in front of the headmaster David Rigby. He watched the incident which was accompanied by homophobic abuse lasting a couple of minutes but when I appealed to him afterwards, he simply commented there was nothing he could do if I wasn’t bleeding. A startling and all too common reaction to bullying, whether gay or not, even now.

In the house where I lived (I refuse to use the word ‘home’ because it certainly wasn’t) repeated incidents developed as I became more self aware and vocal about the abuse I was suffering. At one meal where I objected to the use of racist language, the woman threw scalding coffee over me. I was out another evening with the man and was attacked in the street by 2 older boys while he just watched and carried on afterwards as if nothing had happened. I’ll remind you, these were the 2 adults (again, I can’t bring myself to use the more traditional terms) who gave birth to me and this is how I was always treated. Is it any wonder that I changed my entire name and cut all contact as soon as I was able?

The local police refused to get involved, with a female constable stating they wouldn’t interfere with domestic disputes. I translated this as they didn’t believe me and realised that was the all to widespread problem. If it’s a child’s word against an adult’s, the latter version will be accepted as the former is simply attention seeking. Nobody was prepared to listen - teachers, police, adult friends and even a council therapist - all assumed I was lying. I was a sensitive, intelligent, theatrical and gay young man so naturally I just wanted everyone to look at me and was prepared to say anything to make it happen.

What kind of hell must it have been to force me onto the streets in my teenage years? I flatly refuse to let that happen to anyone else! Even though the first half of my life was utterly horrible, countless children go through the same and much worse but aren’t fortunate enough to survive it. It is especially difficult for young gay people as they can feel isolated, different, vulnerable and terrified. I was very lucky being intellectually and physically able to cope (my sheer bloodymindedness was a major factor too) but I’m crushed by the numbers who aren’t able to enjoy the same outcome.

Growing up gay is easier now than it ever has been, at least in this country. However, I can’t help but think about the tragic situation in some African countries, particularly Uganda, where gay people the death penalty for simply being themselves. There will always be those who will hate someone just because he or she is attracted to members of the same sex. I’ve faced that very directly but I’m able and willing to fight to protect myself and others. The concept of live and let live is prevalent now but there will always be places, as I found growing up, where the very opposite is true.

So many youngsters tragically commit suicide every year as they feel ashamed, unsupported, unloved and terrified because they’re gay. That is completely unacceptable and I will not tolerate it. Unfortunately, the popular press seem unwilling to face the problems of middle class abuse, gay youth problems and teen suicides, preferring only to highlight individual cases as one off tragedies. They simply aren’t - hundreds of thousands of children are hurt every day in Britain and still we do nothing about it because if it’s behind closed doors and not covered by mainstream channels, it can be ignored or even worse, denied.

Discovering one’s sexual identity can be a tortuous journey but most are able to come through it and, in the modern western culture, enjoy fulfilling lives. However, I’ve met several young men and women who’ve hated themselves, have faced violence and death threats from family members and in a few terrible cases, have been badly beaten, killed themselves or been murdered, just for being gay. There are still those who consider this quite right and proper, some of whom are in positions of authority, responsibility and public service.

I’ve been an Ambassador for the National Bullying Helpline, have worked for Barnado’s, The Albert Kennedy Trust, Stonewall, MAD Trust, Great Ormond Street Hospital and many relevant charities. Children deserve a childhood and should not be bullied for just being who they are! I will be public, persistent and very vocal doing what I can to help other people who’ve been through the same, or much worse, than me.

All day December 25th I’ll be walking round central London giving out food to homeless people and offering help and advice that some may be unable or too scared to access for themselves. No doubt some of those I meet, especially the younger ones, will be gay and petrified. If I can help just one, it will make the decade and a half of abuse I suffered completely worthwhile.

Drone on

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 03:34:36 -0400

I have nothing but admiration for people who hold down a regular 9-5 job. I certainly don’t have the discipline to do it.
I know that in the vast majority of cases it’s due to the necessities of having a family or other responsibilities (although a woman last week moaned to me that she was never able to do some of the things she wanted as she had children but didn’t seem impressed when I asked if it was her own choice to have them or if she simply thought they’d raise themselves) but such a metronomic working life is beyond my comprehension or humble skill set.

However, walking through the City of London today on my way to rehearsals, something I’d always suspected became very apparent after even the most cursory observation.

I was walking quite fast in my gym kit, bag slung over my back, headphones on (classical music you know!) and a smile on my face.

Faced with a tide of monochrome drones trudging off to their offices immediately put me in mind of 1984.
There was no joy in this sea of conformity and no-one dared to be different. Blacks, greys, dark blues and that was it, irrespective of sex, age, anything.

Now, I could probably go to a large corporation tomorrow, present my credentials, qualifications and experience (such as it is) and be offered a pretty high paying job without too much effort. And I’d have hanged myself by next week.

If money or fame was an issue to me, I’s have stayed with the television show that dare not speak its name. However, as I’ve always said, being happy and penniless is a far more attractive career choice to me than being miserable and affluent.

The sadness and envy I saw in so many eyes this morning was inescapable proof that so many other people feel the same way but are imprisoned by conventionality, personal restrictions (physical such as families and mortgages or personal such as being different and fear of ridicule) One primary reason we make fun of or criticise others is to attempt to deflect the realisation that we’re actually jealous of someone’s courage to stand out.

I’ll never be scared of standing up for what I want and I really couldn’t care less about the sticks and stones hurled at me.

The greatest deathbed regret is not having had the (so called) bravery to be an individual rather than a part of the crowd - a queen bee rather than a drone if you will!

You have precisely one attempt at life. If you lack the self belief and determination to be yourself, I consider that a little sad. Why be what others expect when that’s not you? A mass, or mob, mentality only works for the many. You are uniquely you, not a part of the clone wars, so at the very least, as you set off into that drab wash of faces tomorrow, perhaps consider wearing a bright pink tie or a Muppets blouse?

Be yourself, everyone else is taken!